Oh, No. Y'all....

I just felt the big one! I haven't heard from Beezy and Fort yet but I assume they both said F-it and kept on with their day. Look at me fallin out! Texas don't have earthquakes, we have tornados. I didn't know what to do.

Just a thought,
ddh

DDH Weekly Highlights Y'all...

HARD FEST! Fort and I decided to expand ourselves and go out of our comfort zone and attend HARD FEST! With N.E.R.D., Spank Rock, and a collection of DJ'S. Here are the highlights

• Drinkin a small bottle of Bacardi Apple and The Fort (Jack Daniel) in 5 minutes flat with our free cans of Red Bull. I think I'm gonna Vom!


• Meeting 3 random girls from Long Beach! They were the coolest.


• Great Music with beautiful beats!


• Dancing like a maniac for 5 hours straight. Fort was running all over the place and I dang near broke my neck throwing my hair. Never have I felt so much freedom to do whatever I want and move my body in whatever way.


• Random drug use. People were sniffing random stuff and rolling left and right which brings me to the next highlight! (FORT AND I DO NOT DO DRUGS BUT WE WILL WATCH YOU DO IT)


• Light shows: some were amazing and some were questionable. If you dont know what a light show is let me tell you. I can give you one if you give me two glow sticks so I can move them around really quickly as a i get close to your face. Bingo thats a light show.


• N.E.R.D. i have loved them since their first album! I sung every song and even pushed a little bit when a mosh pit almost started behind me. Poor Fort didn't like all of that.


• Being pissed that we never saw KID SISTER or STEVE AOKI. How are two of the headliners just not gonna show up.


• Fort touching the tickle me elmo backpack that a raver was wearing because he was amazed with all the blacelets he had on his arms.


• The CLOTHING! Some of the best and worst outsfits but I loved them all the same for the inner pleasure they gave me.


• The People: I have never seen such a ecclectic mix of people from all races with so many different styles. I loved the atmosphere and the vibe all around me.


• Cigs. Please stop smoking people. WTF. But nothing smelt as bad as the random ectasty filled FARTS.

Just a thought,

ddh

What is Going on Y'all...

With these dentist. Recently I was working at a seminar and during the lunch break this asian man in his 50's with a pair of oval shaped blue glasses started talking to me. This wasn't unusually since during the breaks the staff mingles with the doctors. He asked me if I was a dental student and about the script I was reading...you know a very manilla conversation. I complimented his glasses which he told me were his wives since he always losses his and they wear the same perscription. He then started to tell me that I should act because I had the face for it. Very sweet ya'll but after my production of Cinderella in New York I learned that even though your head is turned away from the crowd, they can still tell when you give them the side eye on stage, so I decided it wasn't my calling. (Dammit I just loss my new Ray Ban Rip offs. Thats pair number 2). So I politely told him that I don't act instead I stay behind the camera. Next he asked if I was married I responded "No, I'm only 21"...Then he puts the Haagan Daus ice cream bar he's eating close up to his face hiding his mouth and whispers "Your beautiful" "Can I take you out to dinner". HOLD THE PHONES....aren't you 50 AND MARRIED! I quickly declined and as he walked off in shame he throws out a "Oh i was just kidding". Nigroid please! You wanted this. What is this world coming too. I should just keep it real and call up his wife or I should have taken Fort's advice and accepted the offer and I quote "Wave it (My Vagina) in his face like a carrot" when you do that you get expensive gifts. I'm gonna get raped playing like that.


Just a thought,

ddh

FUCKING FANNIES, FUCKING DOPE

Ugh, I can't believe that effing douche-fucker told me that my obsession with Target is stupid! Is that the grim reaper I see?... No, that's just my big black pimp hand slappin' the shit out of that m-effer.

Anyway, I am here today, not to combat never ending ignorance, but to get ya'll to embrace FUCKING FANNIES...because they are FUCKING DOPE.

You see, there are two types of fanny packs:

1) The first fanny pack is the tangible piece of nylon that hangs freely from, or hugs your birth-giving hips. There are bulky ones, sleek chic-er ones (zee zee cakes)...Ninja turtle ones. OK, the last one may or may not exist but I am convinced that my efforts to find one will pay off.

2) The second fanny pack is your inner late 80s/early 90s screaming to be heard. Let me just give you a rather personal example. My inner fanny is nylon, and big and black with dayglo highlights. Why? Because the quirkiness of my personality attracts the crazies but once they take a closer look, I'm black just like the rest of the world. Plus its always halfway unzipped because you have to let them hoes get in your fanny every once in a while...but keep it somewhat guarded so you don't catch some venereal disease. Get it? No? Then fuck you...its my fanny and I do what I want.

So in getting you to embrace FUCKING FANNIES I wish that ya'll would share what your fannies look like. What do they say to the world? Shoot, fannies are FUCKING DOPE.

I'm Flawed because I'm Human (but OK with it b/c HeyZoos Cristo was crucified on the cross for my sins),

Fort

Keepin' it Real Ya'll

Quick story:
So I'm at work and their making me call all of the patients that are getting medical work done for free! I know and they still complain. Well I called this one guy's house and his wife gives him the phone and before I can finish my little introduction he hangs up on me. Oh no he didn't! I've been hung up on before but I've been up since 5am, a roach was in my apartment last night and I'm stressed. So I just had to keep it real!! I called his black booty back (I know you can't see what color someone is over the phone but I know the voice of an ignorant black man when I hear it) when he answered the phone I asked for him in my sexy voice and as soon as he said yeah it's me I hung up on his ass! Yeah, Don't play with me! So then the office phone rings again and I answer, he hangs up on me again. Okay, I GOT YOU BROTHA! So I take out me cell phone *67 and call him again and as soon as he answers I hang up on him again. He tried calling the office but I would answer without talkin and listen to hear if his loud ass T.V. was playing in the background and hang up. (And yes I am at work playing on their phones but they left me in the office by myself so I can do what I want and if by chance I get caught I'll just say we got disconnected) *OMG! I almost had a heart attack! I answer the office phone and this guy says "You're the one who left me a message" and in my sweet Texas accent I say "Yeap" and he starts yelling "Don't you ever call me" Oh Lordy, I hung up quick because I just know it was that black man who I hung up on earlier. So the phone instantly rings again and I answer it and hang up again because I hear the man's voice. Then it rings again and it's the guy and he yells "Miss I'm joking!" I felt so bad because I thought he was that black man. Lordy thats what I get for keepin it real.
Just a Thought,
DDH

I Don't Know Y'all...

About these homeless men in L.A. What makes them think they can holla at a woman with teeth. Maybe it's the sound of the change jingling in my purse thats attracted them to me. Lordy, if I hear another "Hey Bitch" I'm gonna...Well I'm gonna keep on walking and pretend like I can't hear them through my headphones (knowing good and well that the battery stoped workin two hours before). Look, Okay, I consider myself a badass from Texas but the homeless in L.A. have no fear. They're just looking for a reason to stab someone with the pencil they have sharpened in their back pocket. Do they really think I want to go back to their corner with the sleeping bag and get it on? Let me tell you the love between me and the homeless goes way back. Sophmore year I got a shout out from Willie who sleeps at the bus stop. He not only introduced himself to be but he flashed me his collection of cans and bottles. Impressed? Yes. Unfortunalty I wasn't ready to commit to a life of cold nights at the bus stop and can collecting in the mornings. Then Junior year these two "fine" brothas smelling like piss and liquor tried to holla at me on my way to Ralphs but as always I was to busy listening to my music to respond. No worries though they made sure I heard them call me a slut as I passed.
Side Note: I love Jesus too but maybe yelling and preaching about him on the bus to people who are pissed for various reasons isn't a good idea. UGH! He would sit down next to me. Thank God I don't speak Spanish and I have these headphones on. This reminds me of the time this little old asian woman jumped on the bus yelled something and then attemped to jump off quick but before she could the bus driver shut the door and trapped her ass. I felt bad for her but it was worth the laugh as she hollered and banged on the doors for him to let her off.

Just a thought,
DDH

P.S. Headphones are like the pepper spray of the 21st century. Getcha some because you never know when Willie is around the corner.

Music Update: Kenna

I am in love with WALL-E.
If you haven't seen it you should, it's amazing!

I know what you're thinking: this is a music update, what the fuck does WALL-E have to do with music?
well.. when I was a kid I used to watch the much music countdown

and during a point in time a video by kenna (sexy ethiopian man who is backed by the neptunes and someone told me he opened for the glow in the dark tour about half way through)

named hell bent kept appearing on the show. I interpreted the message as "this is how capitalism destroys our souls ".

This has always touched me and with the emergence of youtube, I was able to find it again.

so when wall-e came out I was instantly attracted to the cute robotic creature and I didn't know why. WELL, I think I figured it out. Wall-E clearly looks like the cute little hell bent creatures.

What do you think?

Anyway If you're interested in watching the video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=owS1coeoWEc

the original video was called 'more', created by marc osborne and nominated for an academy award for best short-film:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bRMfDbm7nFo

lastly 2 videos by kenna so you can get to know him too:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JN-ysBuRVQA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PVRBTRlebjY

love,

BEEZY

My Armpits Smell...Have I Showered recently? Meh.

So today I woke up with my back aching...and not like that so slow down, ya nasty. I helped some of my asians move into a new apartment yesterday, but its nothing that a little dose of IcyHot couldn't fix. My goal for the day is to go to downtown LA in order to A) get some cheap work shirts B) get some scented oil (inspired by my friend zee zee cakes) and C) Maybe find a new hair cuttery.

The thing that gets me is that saying, "when in doubt choose C". But finding a place to get a good haircut in Downtown LA is turning out to be impossible thus far. To help myself, let me do that annoying thing where you ask yourself questions when you really are just complaining.

Is it so hard to have a barbershop that you don't have to go to the hood for?
- they tend do a good job, but I like to get my haircut on the go...and there ain't nowhere to go when you're in the hood but home, mmh. Or Popeye's but whatever.

Are there other ethnicities that are good at cutting black hair?
-I'm sure there are but the reason I ask is because I don't discriminate and ya'll need to raise up if you do and own that shit: if you know black hair then you know ALL hair. holler.

Can I get a decent looking barbershop without all the hootin' and hollerin' going on?
-Now I KNOW some people are going to hate me for this AND I know there are exceptions to every rule. So let me just say this in advance, fuck you. Moving on...my dream barbershop is one that has the following:
-a normal barber who doesn't try to talk too much
-some plasma screens floating around with lots of trashy MTV on them
-doesn't smell weird
-a clean and peaceful, zen-like environment>>>getting a haircut is therapeutic for me and I don't need my chi getting cut down with bitch this and hoe that. ya smell me?

So if anyone reads this blog, please yodel if you know of a nice place, even though I tried to Yelp about this shit and ya'll weren't having it.

Oh and let me just tie up this blog by saying this. When going on an Adventure In Candyland, don't be afraid to sweat, be touched by homeless crackheads, or have homo thugs stop dead in their tracks to look at you like, ooo girl, because of your hot chocolate body. The sweat is natural (which is why I am still thinking of not showering), and the last two are compliments...or so I tell myself.

I am Flawed because I'm Human,

Fort.

As Sure As Obama is our Next President...

...I am black. Take that as you will.

Now, on to more important things. Ya'll, I musta died on the 4th of July and gone to ABH (Awkward Black Heaven). I was invited to a black people BBQ by a friend, who is nameless at the moment but will most likely comment on this post after its done, that I really wanted to see. The kicker: she is as white as cocaine but only hangs out with...us. Ya got me? Good, but I digress. Dreading the trip because of my awkwardness around my own people, I forced myself to go so I could align myself with "Cocaine's" good graces. I grabbed my ipod and walked my black ass over to her place in the Tahitian sun and arrived sweating, dizzied, and flustered from the previous evening's festivities. Upon my entry, my nightmare came to life...a sea of 20 negroids staring at me like I was that haggardly white lady that always shuts down your house parties. Mmh. The first comment from the group..."What's wrong with you?" Did I know the random ghetto clone that asked...no. Did I care, duh. I wanted to make a good first impression. Apparently I looked crazy and evidently, without speech, the group agreed. So I plopped my way through the house and planted myself in a chair with a plate of food, which happened to be the one good thing to come from the visit.

While I was eating the entire room was divided into two teams that were playing a board game against each other. I wanted to show that my awkwardness could be something to embrace by randomly laughing and commenting in the middle of the game which only resulted in that "oh please" side-eye from the bunch and the following exchange:

Cotton-Weave Carol: "Who's team are you on?"

Me: "Oh I'm not on anyone's team, just throwing out song suggestions haha."

Cotton-Weave Carol: "Well, could you keep your suggestions to yourself, we are trying to win
here." (Cue chickenhead eye roll)

Me: SHUTDOWN.

After finally joining a team that had a random homely white girl (who wasn't my friend) and an asian guy I thought I was having fun because we related on an Aerosmith (don't hate) song he was singing...until Buckwheat's older sister made the following comment to me:

"Look at you cosigning like you know what he's talking about."

My thought=Bitch, look at you sitting there, with your face, bye. I was through. It was time to leave there like you depart the bathroom after dropping off kids at the pool that a mother could never even love. Where had I gone wrong with these tragic looking athletes? Were they jealous of my cultural edginess? Or maybe it was my awkward 1 minute pause-and-stare combo as I walked in the door. It could have been the fact that I said, "Wow, all of the songs you guys are thinking of for this game are from when we were 4 years old, can we update to the new millenium please?" I do not know and probably never know where I went wrong with Gabrielle COONion (I know that was too much but its related to her slave-like weave, and fuck...I'm heated) and Nia WRong. All I know is that this was more than an Adventure In Candyland, it was a vacation in chocolate hell. I'm inviting my friend over next time.

Hate me? I don't give a damn.

I'm Flawed Cuz I'm Human,

Fort

p.s. Tell me why the white girl on my team started singing that song, "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts" from the Lion King and our people looked at her like she was Gary Coleman's wife. I attempted to cut the tension by saying "I guess we'll just take her word for it." A choir of chirping crickets commenced.